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The first record of a civilization using peanut butter was the Pre-Columbian peoples of Mexico who used ground peanuts as a base for a number of their food sauces. The "tl" sound so common in these indigenous words, from "Seattle" to "Aztlan," was originally the sound of a speaker trying to get the peanut butter off his tongue and palate.

Because the Pre-Columbians failed to patent their farming methood, and because Columbia so stubbornly refused to exist, in 1890, George A. Bayle Jr. began to sell ground peanuts as a vegetarian protein supplement for people with bad or no teeth and/or braces. The first market response was overwhelmingly bad and in response Bayle created the creamy (or smooth) type of peanut butter.

Peanut butter was used in the White House of Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln, realizing its potential for racial harmony, planned to popularize it throughout the Union as a "Negro love spread." He may have been finalizing this plan at the Ford theater, during the performance of an unusually boring play, when anti-legume activist John Wilkes Booth struck, meaning that the secret was buried with Honest Abe. Years later, Grover Cleveland stumbled upon this secret and, in a revolutionary innovation, gave George Washington Carver the recipe. He then created the illuminutti to protect the secret.

In 1969, Canada made peanut butter a Schedule III Drug. Possession, sale, or consumption of peanut butter results in 10 years in jail. Unfortunately, in 2013, Prime Minister Stephen Harper, never an attentive student of history, was arrested for possession of 30 jars of peanut butter smuggled through Detroit. where even more unfortunately, he will have to do the time.