Edit Consuming peanut butter

Consumers should never eat peanut butter in a jar whose magic foil is broken. (It is sometimes safe to do so if you know it was you who broke the foil.) It can be more dangerous trying to eat peanut butter without breaking the magic foil at all.

Consumers should always keep a bottle of peanut butter solvent nearby, in case their mouths become stuck shut. This will render the consumer unable to speak, unless he or she knows the ancient Aztec language (see above), which could be spoken with a mouth stuck shut.

Doctors advise that a significant percentage of school children are allergic to peanut butter. An ample dollop on a slice of bread can give them hives, cause swelling, and even keep them from breathing. This seems to be another step in the disturbing trend of our schools to cater to the spoiled child and make exceptions for them. The editors recommend that any child claiming an allergy be given a double helping and perhaps be force-fed until he quits his bitching and becomes a member of the team.

Peanut butter also goes well with jelly. Unfortunately, jelly can be lethal, though no more lethal than peanut butter.

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